production company: a-pix
distributor: a-pix
director: robert kurtzman
executive producer: robert e. baruc
writer: brian dimuccio, dino vindeni
release year: 1995
running time: a-pix

cinematic exegesis

syme picked up the demolitionist the other night for two bucks at movie gallery, and, surprisingly, it's an awesome movie.

two thoughts cross the mind when i think of this movie.

one, this movie is a straightup robocop ripoff: nicole eggert gets crucified by a bunch of rebels and is reanimated by dan abbott to become a robocop woman. it's standard good versus evil stuff. the evil guys, led by richard grieco and tom savini, have no heart and so they crucify nicole eggert, who, along with dan abbott, leads the good guys. dan, a man experienced in reanimation, can't let this happen, so he replaces nicole's blood with "a synthetic solution of nanomachines", he calls them. she gets some nice training (wears some nice athletic halter tops), some nice weapons (wesley snipes would be proud), and she's ready to go to battle. it's a good matchup, and it makes for a good, dumb action flick.

the plot couldn't live without the characters, however, nor without the actors who play them. yeah, that's a shoddy segway into my next point, but what i'm trying to get to is the second thought i have when i think of the demolitionist: this movie has the most eclectic mix of actors ever assembled (aside from magnolia, which sucked so bad that we didn't even watch it). like the plot, the characters are nothing out of the norm with the standard heartless bad guy, the standard sidekicks, and the standard machine-gun wielding hero, but the actors make the movie. let's take a closer look:

• nicole eggert: obviously, when charles left, nicole took over. in the demolitionist she's one mean cybermechabionic cop (creatively called "the demolitionist"), but for a cybermechaschlingodiaphragidisnisonic, she has some curious attributes. she's hot (c3p0 may have been stolen, but he that's not the kinda hot i'm talking about). she's the most nostalgic, reminiscing robot ever, having more periods of reflection and dreaming than a recovering alcholic priest. finally, she has the hardest blasted teats of any robot this side of metropolis. whoever programmed her brain obviously misunderstood the requirement "robot should not have cold feet" and instead thought the requirement was "robot should have cold teat." syme called them "rigamordis nips." i agree.
• dan abbott: man, this guy rocks. in re-animator, it was jeffrey combs who called the shots, shooting up everything dead with glowing green slime, but in the demolitionist little dan calls the shots, bringing nicole back to life after her unfortunate crucifixion. i would guess he's the one who secretly ordered the metal-tipped nips.
• richard grieco: richard! richard is the goateed buttlick who heads the bad guys. he's pretty mean: he pokes nicole eggert in the eye with a cigarette, he threatens to shoot off a crooked cop's weanie, and he shoots a lot of folks. he fails to act, however. even if you hate the movie, hang in there long enough to see him killed--it's almost as good as street trash.
• tom savini: before hooking up with george clooney and quentin tarantino as "sex machine" in from dusk till dawn, savini played "roland" in this flick. his duty: to sport his trademark goatee, wear some sweet leather, give some mean looks, and help richard and his murderous friends rob banks and stuff. he doesn't act, either, but he's tom savini, so he's excused.
• cameraman: he doesn't show his face, but he does use an annoying technique of tilting the camera (a la batman) and then moving it slowly, supposedly creating tension (a la oj's white bronco).
• christopher thunderwolf: i don't even know who this guy is, but his name is awesome.
• bruce campbell: he's in the movie, he's got one line, and that's all that matters. watch close or you'll miss him.

what to watch for

• "i'm gonna enjoy breaking you in" -- hollywood broke you in, didn't it, grieco?
• earring yank -- for those wondering, cartilage _does_ bleed
• dream sequence with nightbreed animals -- here's to you, clive barker.
• cops driving 50s squad cars -- for pete's sake, give these guys some money.
• russian roulette -- hey, this is not allowed in an action movie
• "go down on me. make it quick." -- no.
• "what's the matter, boxer, never seen a ballerina with balls before?" -- what? you're a chick, not a nemesis!
• "nobody likes a guy with balls that stick at parties" -- or a guy with bad one-liners
• stab to the eyeball with a cigarette -- commence required pain sequence

• to enjoy the demolitionist...you should have a seasoned appreciation for crap like under siege and bloodsport.
• you should watch the demolitionist...in a doubleheader alongside robocop.
• the actors in the demolitionist...include dan abbott ("got any of that green juice?"), nicole eggert ("chaaaarles!"), richard grieco ("makeup!"), tom savini ("i'm coming, richard!"), and bruce campbell ("give me some sugar, nicole!").
• the coolest website related to the demolitionist is...bad movie planet's intriguing review.
• the one line that describes the demolitionist best is..."willie ames is now bible man, scott baio is hiding in a cave in rural kentucky, and nicole eggert was crucified and resurrected as a sexy humanoid--who's in charge now?"
• the demolitionist is a b-movie because...bruce campbell and tom savini are in it.
• if you like the demolitionist, rent...showdown in little tokyo, with dolph lundgren (he single-handedly flips a car) and brandon lee (he assesses the size of dolph's genitalia).